MSR: The Musical!
by White Star 2
Summary: Mulder and Scully fly to New York on a case and experience a few musical relationship problems. (This one is for all you musical buffs!)


Title: MSR: The Musical!  
Author: White Star 2 (hila-p@barak-online.net)  
Rating: G  
Category: H  
Spoilers: None (I've managed one of those. Yay me! :) )  
  
Summary: Mulder and Scully fly to New York on a case and   
experience a few musical relationship problems. (This one is for   
all you musical buffs!)  
  
Disclaimer: The characters all belong to Fox and Ten Thirteen. The   
songs belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Stephen Sondheim, and Harry   
Warren  
  
Author's notes: No, I was not on drugs when I wrote this. No, I   
didn't give my muse permission. But, hey, it was this or write a   
"Young and Healthy" songfic, so I settled. For fun and happy   
reading, you may want to prepare a few CDs (or mp3s, if that   
happens to be the case) for yourself. In that case, that stack   
should include... *clears her throat* Joseph and the Amazing   
Technicolor Dreamcoat(ALW); Follies(Sondheim); A Funny Thing   
Happened on the Way to the Forum(Sondheim); and 42nd   
Street(Warren).  
  
Also, this is probably the first and last time I publish something   
in script form. I do apologize in advance. Yeah. That's about all   
I have to say here.  
  
---  
MSR: The Musical!  
  
[Curtain!]  
  
[Scene: The FBI Building's Basement. The FBI office. MULDER sits   
alone with his feet up on the desk. The overture, which sounds   
remarkably like a violin remix of the X-Files theme, fades out   
slowly.]  
  
[MULDER sighs deeply and plays around with a basketball. The   
office door opens and SCULLY walks in.]  
  
SCULLY: Good morning, Mulder!  
  
MULDER: [mutters] Good morning.  
  
SCULLY: We've been assigned to do the government's dirty work   
again, Mulder. We leave for New York this afternoon.  
  
MULDER: Oh. I suppose we have to.  
  
SCULLY: Yes. Yes, we have to, Mulder.  
  
MULDER: Oh. [pauses] Too bad.  
  
[SCULLY walks out, leaving the door hanging open.]  
  
MULDER: It's always like that. They don't let me go on with my   
work anymore...  
  
[The intro to "Close Every Door" from Joseph And The Amazing   
Technicolor Dreamcoat plays, as Mulder rises out of the chair.]  
  
MULDER: But that's okay. As long as the truth is out there, they   
can't stop me!  
  
[sings] Close every door to me  
Hide all the world from me  
Bar all the windows  
And shut out the light  
  
Do what you want with me  
Hate me and laugh at me  
Darken my daytime  
And torture my night  
  
If my life were important  
I would ask, will I live or die  
But I know the answers   
Lie far from this world  
  
[SCULLY peeks through the door, as the music keeps playing. MULDER   
notices her and stops singing.]  
  
SCULLY: Mulder, you promised you won't get us in trouble by   
chasing UFOs this time.  
  
MULDER: I know I did. But I can't give up on what I believe in.  
  
[The music hits its emotional high note and fades.]  
  
SCULLY: Come on, Mulder. Let's go.  
  
[They both exit the office.]  
  
[SCENE CHANGE: The airport in New York. MULDER and SCULLY walk on,   
dragging their baggage. MULDER looks depressed.]  
  
SCULLY: Mulder, come on, cheer up. It's just another case.   
  
[MULDER looks away from her and doesn't respond.]  
  
SCULLY: It's New York! Cheer up! We'll go out to dinner or...  
  
[MULDER walks off, leaving SCULLY alone in the airport.]  
  
SCULLY: [sighs] Mulder, if I didn't love you so much, I don't know   
how I'd put up with you! And I just don't know how to tell you!   
You freeze up like a zombie every time I try... You could just...  
  
[sings] You could drive a person crazy!  
  
[The accompanyment for "You Could Drive a Person Crazy" from   
Follies plays. DIANA FOWLY walks in.]  
  
SCULLY&DIANA: You could drive a person mad!  
  
[PHEOBE GREEN and MARIA CUBAROUVIUS scurry in and the four form a   
line.]  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: First you make a person hazy  
So a person could be had  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: Then you leave a person dangling sadly  
Outside your door  
Which it only makes a person gladly  
Want you even more  
  
I could understand a person  
If he said to go away  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: I could understand a person  
If he happened to be gay  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: But worse'n that  
A person that  
Titillates a person and then leaves her flat  
Is crazy! He's a troubled person  
He's a truly crazy person himself!  
  
DIANA: When a person's personality is personable  
He shouldn't oughta sit like a lump  
  
PHEOBE: It's harder than a matador coercing a bull  
To try to get you off-a your rump  
  
SCULLY: So single and attentive and attractive a man  
Is everything a person could wish  
  
MARITA: But turning off a person is the act of a man  
Who likes to pull the hooks out of fish!  
  
ALL: Knock-knock, is anybody there?  
Knock-knock, it really isn't fair!  
Knock-knock, I'm working all my charms!  
Knock-knock, the zombie's in my arms...  
  
All that sweet affection  
What is wrong?  
Where's the loose connection?  
How long, oh Lord, how long?  
  
You could drive a person buggy  
You could drive a person's cool  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: First you make a person feel all huggy  
While you make her feel a fool  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: When a person says that you've upset her  
That's when you're good  
You impersonate a person better  
Than a zombie should!  
  
I could understand a person  
If he wasn't good in bed  
  
PHEOBE: Doo-doo!  
  
MARITA: Doo-doo!  
  
SCULLY: Doo!  
  
ALL: I could understand a person  
If he actually was dead  
Doo-doo-doo-doo...  
  
Exclusive you! Elusive you!  
Will any person ever get the juice of you?  
You're a crazy  
You're a lovely person  
You're a moving, deeply maladjusted  
Never to be trusted  
Crazy person yourself  
  
Mulder is my hobby  
And I'm giving it up!  
  
[PHEOBE, MARITA, and DIANA scurry off and leave SCULLY alone. She   
sighs and wanders off to find MULDER. Exits.]  
  
[SCENE CHANGE: The Field office. SCULLY is reading over a RANDOM   
AGENT's shoulder. MULDER watches from the side. As the RANDOM   
AGENT takes special care to brush his arm against SCULLY's, MULDER   
turns quite green.]  
  
MULDER: Scully?  
  
[SCULLY turns around.]  
  
SCULLY: Yeah, Mulder?  
  
MULDER: Uh... Look, I'm sorry you got dragged here because of me.  
  
SCULLY: No, it's okay. [Moves in just a little closer] Actually, I   
don't mind the chance to see New York. I like it. There's   
something in the air here... [she moves in to kiss Mulder]  
  
RANDOM AGENT: Agent Scully?  
  
[SCULLY turns her head and takes a step back. MULDER looks halfway   
between indifferent and disappointed.]  
  
SCULLY: Yeah?  
  
RANDOM AGENT: I think I found something. You should come look at   
this.  
  
[SCULLY leaves MULDER standing there and she and RANDOM AGENT   
exit. MULDER sighs, and the intro to "Love, I Hear" from A Funny   
Thing Happened On the Way To The Forum plays.]  
  
MULDER: [sings] Now that we're alone,  
May I tell you,  
I've been feeling very strange?  
Either something in the air  
Or else a change  
Is happening in me.  
I think I know the cause,  
I hope I know the cause.  
From everything I've heard,  
There's only one cause it can be...  
  
Love, I hear,  
Makes you sigh a lot.  
Also, love, I hear,  
Leaves you weak.  
  
Love, I hear,  
Makes you blush  
And turns you ashen.  
You try to speak with passion  
And squeak,  
I hear.  
  
Love, they say,  
Makes you pine away,  
But you pine away  
With an idiotic grin.  
I pine, I blush,  
I squeak, I squawk.  
Today I woke  
Too weak to walk.  
What's love, I hear,  
I feel... I fear...  
I'm in.  
  
[SCULLY pokes her head back in.]  
  
SCULLY: Mulder, come on. You should see this.  
  
[MULDER grins like a fool and he and SCULLY exit.]  
  
[SCENE CHANGE: MULDER and SCULLY's crappy motel, outside SCULLY's   
room. MULDER is standing there, apparently freezing cold.]  
  
MULDER: [overdramatic] I can't let her go out with that guy! I   
just can't! I have to tell her how I feel!  
  
[sings] I know a bundle of humanity  
She's about so high  
I'm nearly driven to insanity  
When she passes by  
She's a sunny little honey  
But oh-so-hard to kiss  
I'll try to overcome her vanity  
And then I'll tell her this:  
  
[He knocks on the door to SCULLY's room. The intro to "Young and   
Healthy" from 42nd Street plays. SCULLY opens the door.]  
  
I'm young and healthy  
And you've got charm  
It would really be a sin  
Not to have you in my arms!  
I'm young and healty  
And so are you  
When the moon is in the sky  
Tell me what am I to do  
  
If I should hate you  
I'd keep away  
But that ain't my nature,  
I'm full of vitamin A, say!  
  
[The musical break plays.]  
  
SCULLY: Mulder! I never thought you felt the same! This is just   
wonderful! [hugs him]  
  
[sings] I'm young and healthy  
And you've got charm  
It would really be a sin  
Not to have you in my arms!  
I'm young and healty  
And so are you  
When the moon is in the sky  
Tell me what am I to do  
  
If I should hate you  
I'd keep away  
But that ain't my nature,  
I'm full of vitamin A, say!  
  
I'm young and healthy  
So let's be bold  
In a year or two or three  
Maybe we will be too old  
  
I'm young and healthy  
And you've got charm  
It would really be a sin  
Not to have you iiiiiiin.....  
myyyyyyyyyy......  
Aaaaaaaaaaarms!  
  
[MULDER and SCULLY kiss and embrace.]  
  
[Curtain.] 


End file.
